Fewer holiday obligations can bring a merrier Christmas season

DEAR MARIANN: Every year I dread the hol­i­days more, espe­cially as I have entered middle-age. The mon­e­tary expec­ta­tions to give gifts, host par­ties, over-decorate and shop at crowded malls has become over­whelm­ing. What can I do to regain my enthu­si­asm for what was once a joy­ous season?

MARIANN’S RESPONSE: My imme­di­ate thought and one-word response when I read your dilemma is “Sim­plify.” Seem­ingly too many of us, espe­cially women, attempt to be “every­thing to every­body” dur­ing the hol­i­days. It is almost as if our gen­der has entered a Martha Stew­art want-to-be con­test. Watch­ing any of her past shows makes me feel hideously unimag­i­na­tive, lazy and poorly orga­nized. Between the poten­tial of catch­ing one of her re-runs and now the onslaught of Christ­mas com­mer­cials, rival­ing the recent pres­i­den­tial media sat­u­ra­tion, I am hes­i­tant to turn on my tele­vi­sion again until 2013. But I digress.

First, I would list your pri­or­i­ties for the upcom­ing hol­i­days to focus your efforts in the most effec­tive way. Next, keep that list with you or some­where eas­ily acces­si­ble and review it often. Cross off those things you have accom­plished, but don’t add more items unless you absolutely must. The goal here is “man­age­abil­ity” and not let­ting a sense of oblig­a­tion con­trol you by doing more than what you have listed.

Sec­ondly, the term “bound­aries” is some­thing I use reg­u­larly in my columns. For the hol­i­days, the word should look like: “BOUNDARIES!” Or in sim­pli­fied terms, “just say no,” (to bor­row from for­mer First Lady Nancy Rea­gan.) Avoid over-obligating your­self by answer­ing with a cour­te­ous, “I apol­o­gize, but your request is just some­thing I can’t add to my hol­i­day list presently,” which is a per­fectly accept­able answer if another oblig­a­tion would increase your sea­sonal angst. The col­lec­tive expec­ta­tions have far exceeded what we should accom­plish dur­ing this upcom­ing hol­i­day and still remain sane.

Rather than buy­ing gifts for every­one on your list, what can you pro­vide to them dur­ing the year that will be even more appre­ci­ated in com­par­i­son to just giv­ing “more stuff” that is quickly unwrapped and for­got­ten Christ­mas morn­ing? Are you the favorite choco­late chip cookie baker? Instead of being fren­zied at the mall seek­ing gifts, stay at home, assess your tal­ents and access your com­puter. Home printed coupons stat­ing “The holder of this is enti­tled to one dozen of my gourmet choco­late chip cook­ies upon request dur­ing 2013,” could be included with the person’s Christ­mas card, and a starter-dozen of your baked treats. Also, you could author these coupons on-line and avoid the greet­ing card counter. Or if you aren’t Betty Crocker, how about cer­tifi­cates say­ing you will mow a fam­ily mem­ber or friend’s yard, babysit their chil­dren, fix din­ner monthly for an elderly neigh­bor or assist some­one with a daunt­ing task such as purg­ing their clos­ets or garage to enclose with their card?

Another idea for coupon giv­ing is invest­ing time in your mar­riage with the promise to elim­i­nate tech­nol­ogy at din­ner or when first com­ing home from work. When was the last time you com­pli­mented your mate or told them how much you value their love, and that you can’t imag­ine life with­out them? Lately, have you given them a much-needed back or foot rub after a long day at work? Coupons you cre­ate promis­ing these ser­vices, per­sonal com­mit­ments or a monthly “date night,” might make it the best Christ­mas ever. Just be sure that dis­pens­ing them doesn’t meet the same fate as our soon-forgotten New Year’s Resolutions.

Here’s a thought, instead of spend­ing days at the mall and finan­cially abus­ing our charge cards, would the option of vol­un­teer­ing for a day at a home­less shel­ter, or assist­ing at your place of wor­ship fill­ing requests for cloth­ing or other needed items be a pos­si­bil­ity? If you have a child still in school, how about vis­it­ing the prin­ci­pal and ask if there is a stu­dent attend­ing that school who is from a fam­ily strug­gling dur­ing this hol­i­day? What would best assist that pupil do bet­ter in school for the remain­der of the year? A new coat, shoes or glasses would improve their read­ing and aca­d­e­mics, or cloth­ing to stay warm, might be a life-changer for some of these needy children.

Yes, this is the “sea­son of giv­ing,” but mate­r­ial pos­ses­sions can only go so far. It is our com­mit­ment to each other, our fam­ily, friends, co-workers and neigh­bors that is truly the best gift of all. How­ever, if you do shop, today is “Small Busi­ness Sat­ur­day.” What bet­ter time to visit some of our new or already estab­lished mer­chants and restau­rants in Down­town Delaware and other areas of town to avoid the “mall mad­ness?” Tou­jours is my per­sonal favorite.

Mar­i­ann Main is a licensed coun­selor and a Delaware native. Her col­umn appears weekly on Sat­ur­days. To sub­mit a ques­tion and have Mar­i­ann answer it anony­mously, visit delgazette.com/life-questions-with-local-answers or send mail to the Delaware Gazette office, 40 N. San­dusky St., suite 203, Delaware, OH 43015.

Posted by Mariann Main on Nov 23 2012. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS Feed. Comments can be made below.