Some would say that forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves. It was just recently that I stumbled upon a passage in the Old Testament Scriptures that I had read many times, but somehow, I totally missed the messaging of the verse. The life and suffering of Job is a very familiar book and story of the Old Testament. Job’s life had been touched by one tragedy after another. It is life’s darkest days that we tend to lean on the support of family and friends. However, in Job’s situation, the friends that should have supported him were an epic failure of true friendship. Instead of Job’s friends being a source of comfort to him, they added to his pain. Oftentimes, it can be hard to relate to an experience that is not our own. Therefore, we walk that slippery slope of judging what we cannot understand or explain. Job’s famous friends were not silent with their accusations as to why Job’s fate was one of suffering. This Old Testament text really makes you appreciate friendships that are one hundred percent supportive of us through our good and bad life experiences.
In the very last chapter of Job, he appears to have gone through all the stages of grief and had reached a place of acceptance. This is where it really gets interesting, according to (NKJV) Job 42:10: “And the Lord restored Job’s losses when he prayed for his friends. Indeed, the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.” Excuse me, did I read that correctly? Let’s read this from another translation. According to Job 42:10 (Common English Bible) “Then the Lord changed Job’s fortune when he prayed for his friends, and the Lord doubled all Job’s earlier possessions.” What this would suggest is that forgiving his friends was a part of Job’s healing. How do we forgive friends that abandon us? Job chose to forgive his friends, freeing himself from the mental and emotional baggage of unforgiveness. According to Desmond Tutu, he says “Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.”
So, what happens to us psychologically when we forgive? According to the American Psychological Association, Speaking of Psychology: The power of forgiving those who’ve hurt you, with Robert Enright, Ph.D, he says “When someone hurts you, it can feel justifiable or even satisfying to nurse a grudge. But psychologists have found that forgiveness, when done right, can lead to better mental, emotional, and even physical health for the forgiver…when we’ve been treated unjustly by others, a lot of times unhealthy anger sneaks into our heart and we’re not even aware of that.” Enright says that “with that drip, drip, drip of the anger onto the heart, onto the emotions, day after day and even year after year, people start to become deeply angry or resentful. And then that can turn into anxiety and even depression and even low self-esteem, not liking yourself.” Therefore, the research suggests that choosing to forgive an offender is a process and a decision. Forgiveness will never change the past, but it does enlarge the future.
So, when we choose to forgive, do we forget? According to Dr. Enright, a pioneer in the study of forgiveness, he says that “as you reach out, paradoxically, with goodness toward those who are not good to you, and it’s your choice, it shouldn’t be forced, that drip, drip, drip of the anger starts slowing down and in its place, you start having, as I say, that goodness toward the other. And that actually counteracts the toxic anger, reducing and even eliminating the effects of the trauma and that the anxiety and depression literally can leave and you get your life back.” According to Enright, he says “If your heart is damaged because of an injustice, and you need to forgive and you won’t or you can’t until three little words are uttered by the one who didn’t like you, “I am sorry,” that’s giving way too much power to the other.” Again, forgiveness is a process and a decision that is subjective to one’s experiences. Lastly, here is a quote by Mel Robbins that really captures the essence of forgiveness, she says “Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”
Kimberly Strain is pastor at the Outreach Christian Center in Delaware.
